My War….My Confession

Take a good look at my picture.  Can you see me at war with myself?  I have been fighting it since I was 13!  That’s 28 yrs!  I have never tried to hide it.  I also don’t promote it.  I absolutely HATE it!  It all started one morning at the bus stop.  A “friend” asked me if I wanted to.  I have never really stopped since.  I have made several attempts to.  I have failed every single time.  I do know what it is that I must do.  I have prayed about it numberous times.  But it wasn’t until this last time that I actually listened to the answer.

A few months ago, I was praying and fasting for help and guidance.  I had heard Him tell me “Yes, I have freed you from this. But first stop taking those.”  I knew instantly what was being said.  I had been taking antidepressants for a few years.  Maybe in another post I’ll elaborate on why.  I never really liked being on them to begin with.  So for me, to stop taking them was not a great sacrifice.  The only thing that I was concerned with was the whooshing in my head as the medicine got out of my system.  To my great delight,  I had none. I soooo thank God for that. My moods were about the same as if I were still on them and I also have a little more clarity.  As if a fog had been lifted from my thoughts.  I thought, “Great, that part was easy!”  But my war was still going on.

One morning I was on Facebook catching up on everyone.  A good friend posted something that pierced me to my soul. (Permission was asked before posting this) “I know that throwing my hands up in the air and shouting,”I give up” accomplishes nothing, but sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and shouting, “I GIVE UP!””  (Dave, I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough for that. You are such a dear friend, I love you even more for it.)   Although he was talking about something complete different, God used him to speak to me. Every time I went to battle, I was the one battling.  I would give it to God, and then pick it right back up as if I had the power to conquer it.  I have to give up.  I have to understand and accept that I can not do this.  My flesh is not strong.  If it were,then there would be no battle to begin with.  No, it is the grace of God that I have to rely on.  I must suit up, but I must allow Him to move me.  Have you figured it out yet?  Do you know the war I’m battling with?  Incase you haven’t guessed yet….I’m a smoker.

This has been the hardest post that I have ever written. To confess something to my self is easy.  To confess it to the world…not so much. I do not make this confession to be called a hypocrite or to have any pity.  Although, I am sure that some will.  I do this so that I can start my new life without this addiction.  So that God’s glory can be seen within me. Our wars are not really ours.  They have already been fought and won.  The victory is His.  We just have to see it.  Believe it.  Live it.

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4 Responses

  1. This was very courageous of you, and I am proud of you! Letting go and letting God is something I stuggle with constantly. Like I think I can handle things on my own! NOT! Thank you for posting this and allowing us to <> you. I am blog hopping & following you from Katherine’s Corner & Growing Old With Grace http://growing-old-with-grace.blogspot.com/ Thank you for linking up with our blog hop today! Hugs, GraceinAZ

  2. Grace, thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. Your blog has given me a lot of giggles. I may not be too old, but I am relating to a lot of what you write. Wait, what does that say for me when I do get “old”. LOL! Thank you again.

  3. We all have addictions, and it is hard to open up and admit them to ourselves and to the public. Admitting them claims responsibility. As your post so beautifully puts it, then it is up to God to show us how to overcome it. For some, Like St. Paul, it will always be the thorn in our side. For others, He offers freedom, as in your case. I’ll not offer pity, or call you a hypocrite. I will offer empathy, and prayer. God bless you for your courage.

  4. Oh, you had to bring up addiction! I cruised by this morning to sign up for your blog and decided that I would catch up in the bustertonya world…Oops! Man, I am an alcoholic, an addict, and a smoker, a liar, a theif, an out and our sinner! By the grace of the Almighty Himself, I haven’t had a drink in many years (after going to rehab and AA) and I haven’t “popped a pill” for the same period of time. I was crushed on the shore, as you well know from reading “Big Boys Don’t Cry”…The Lord has strange timing, but He always insures that you know it is He. When we are on the brink and whether we are stepping out in faith or simply going over head first out of our own stupidity, it doesn’t matter really, He always shows up at the edge. I don’t know why He “rolls” like that…I find it gloriously funny, but always in retrospect. I SO feel for you because I am in the throws of quitting as well! My justification: “God…together we have taken alcohol and drugs and all the sexual crap and just about everything else that impairs our walk together out of my life for Your glory, BUT I have this last bastion of addiction…and it is real difficult…”
    I am convinced that no matter what I do or think…it will be His timing, and knowing how He “rolls”…I will know it is another miracle.
    The key to the whole issue: seek God with all your heart…let Him love you so you can love Him back. Put Him first always and every day. You know all these things because I have read your writting…Relax enough to buckle your seatbelt! Every time God moved in me to remove the deep roots of lifes habits, He was palpable! I was able to conquer each of my addictions because the Spirit was moving so powerfully in my life…all I could do was hold on! I didn’t want to drink after tasting living waters…I didn’t want pain-killers any longer because I felt unbelievable…It was a miracle (my little miracle). He literally walked with me and held my hand and loved on me like a kid…God is so very, very awesome. So you keep praying for the Spirit to move in your life in a new and refreshing way, buckle up, pray for me as well (because I look forward to the Power in a big way too) and the Lord is faithful to deliver the deepest desires of your heart. Remember, He paid a price that we could not and He can provide the power for daunting tasks when we have none! Freedom, my sister in Christ…it is simple freedom…God bless you and come see me sometime!

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